Internet Cafe Holiday Tour of Homes....

I'm joining the ladies at the Internet Cafe for the Holiday Tour of Homes... Stop on in and see the all things Christmas and beautiful with our friends at the Internet Cafe.

Welcome to my humble abode. It's a chilly 35 degrees outside, so do come in... Take off your coat and enjoy the cozy comfort and atmosphere.

Just behind you there on the door is a very special wreath. I made that wreath the first year Scott and I were married (1998). On the way out you'll be able to get a closer look, but there are five tiny bears in their warm weather clothes on this wreath - three girls and two boys, just like our family. Originally this wreath had a festive metalic ribbon in red and blue on it and a fun swinging snowman who apparently lost his way over the years. About five years ago I replaced Mr. Snowman with the bears and eventually the bow got a makeover, too. It is a very special memory wreath marking the journey of our family from there to here.

Our entry way is dedicated to the children. All children. I'm just a big child myself when it comes to all things Christmas. I love the season, the atmosphere and the stories of Christmas... It's truly the most wonderful time of the year for me. As you can see I have stuffed dolls out for all to see. The blue angel on the table used to adorn the top of our tree with a big bow, but she has a safer place these days as I've added more and more ornaments to our tree.

If you look just to your right, there is a special display with my "pageant" Nativity scene. These little resin figures are precious and were my first official Nativity scene. I purchased them from Wal-Mart about five years ago for some $10.00. They also had a stony stable to host their play at one time, but one move ago the stony stable broke into several pieces and found its way to local dump. Behind the Nativity is my husband's birthday blessing, and there are several pictures of our family on this table. The Santa with the blackboard tells the story of Christmas for me... "Teach the children about Jesus, Luke 2." And the Singing Snowmen under the light are "Wishing You a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year."

That's our "Memory Tree" there to the left, but we'll come back here in just a minute. First I want to show where two very special girls hide out... We'll take a turn to the right and another right to find my Brittany's room. This may be her last year in that room at Christmas - so bittersweet. She may be off to Austin and college next fall... So this year is extra special for me.

Brittany calls these our "Memory Stockings." I spent several weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas in 1997 (the year before Scott and I married) making seven memory stockings. These stockings are made out of the kids old jeans, my old jeans and for the children I bought this fun material with hearts and spools of thread representing how we were making two families one. Each of the kids still has their memory stocking. Megan and Travis took theirs home in 2005 and Brittany and Taylor's stockings mark the doors to their rooms.

You'll see more of these stockings as we make the tour.

There's the nativity table again. The pair of bears on the floor used to light, move and play music but they are tired in their old age so we just let them stand there all pretty like these days. If we met in San Antonio at the Siesta Festival, you will recognize the Justin Dog sitting in the white chair. A perfect place for him as we remember my Jay Bird at Christmas. Speaking of Justin...

This is the beloved Memory Tree which has been the source of much love and much turmoil these last few years. Gratefully, Ye Olde Memory Tree has been replaced with the New Improved Pre-lit model that Mom does not have to kill herself to make beautiful. Ye Olde Memory Tree is also ten years old and found its way to local dump this year as well. The memory tree represents special Christmas memories, with our favorite things like snowflakes, candy canes, snowmen, and so on. It is the family tree. The year Justin died (2005) I just could not bear to put up our enormous Christmas tree so I bought the second tree we display in our tour - the Jesus Tree.

I was so excited about the new tree that year, it didn't even occur to me that some of my family might be traumatized by all the changes so fast. I suppose the new stockings and ornaments just put things over the top for them... But, I loved the new tree and so it made its way to being a permanent fixture in our holiday decor. Now, let's head on in toward the living room.... there's something special here to the left I want you to see.

This little cubby hole with sword and dolls is a special little place. It rests in the middle of the wall that leads into our living room.

On this wall are displayed pictures of my precious boy and some precious songs and poems that mark out our journey through grieving his death and celebrating his journey home to heaven. I wanted to give Justin a special place in our home because though we live apart for now, he is still an important part of our family.

In the sixth grade, my son and father worked on that sword together for a school project on medieval times. Justin came up with the idea, went to my parent's home one weekend and came home with this beautiful work of art. My father taught him how to use the saw and sand the wood to make his vision a reality. It is a beautiful momento of his talent and creativity. It also reminds me that the Sword of the Spirit is one of my offensive weapons in the spiritual battle for my testimony.

A stocking cap hangs there so Justin is again included in our holiday celebrating. We barely notice the memory wall these days. People who don't know about our loss, often don't notice it either. It's just a family thing... The willow tree dolls represent me and Justin and the big hearted kid we all loved. Just little keepsakes from a life lived fully in 17 years.

From Justin's death three years ago I also captured the heart of Mary and what it must have been like for her all those years after Jesus went to be with His Father in heaven. She knew she would be with Him again someday, but life went on here on earth for her as well. Mary lived on in the legacy of her son Jesus. You know given choices many of us would not have chosen the difficult road that we have traveled in this life.

I'm sure Mary felt the same way as she watched her precious firstborn, the Son of God, hanging on a cross dying a criminal's death. Mary was flesh and blood like you and I. I'm sure her heart begged to understand why God had allowed this to happen to their Son. But, time would tell the story and Mary lived on in the glory and legacy of her Son's life - she lived all the way home. I want that to be my story as well. That the legacy of my son's life is in the story that our lives tell in spite of our loss not defined by it. I hope you are blessed as I reflect on the meaning of Christmas in light of my experience.

Of hearth and home... The night I took this picture it was a balmy 72 degrees... My husband had to be restrained from putting me in shorts with his beloved fires. This is our fireplace. One of the most exciting features for me when we moved to this home. I had not had a fireplace to decorate since my children were babies, so this was an extra special treat. You will begin to notice a theme... SNOWMEN, SNOWMEN, SNOWMEN. They are everywhere. You will also notice six beautiful red stockings. They are the ones I purchased for that first Christmas after Justin died. His stocking was not replaced. It hangs there in the center - as he will always be that husky 17 year old boy in my mind's eye so his stocking will always be as it once was - at least as long as my girls are around to dictate it to me... Just kidding, that was my choice not theirs. But, they will most likely carry on this tradition long after I am in the grave. Their brother meant the world to them and they hold onto these little momentos with great love.

This table sits beside the chair next to the fireplace. My mother gave me the beautiful angel holding a dove this year for Christmas. It says "Joy and Peace" on the hem of its robe. I told my husband as I put these things out this year that it perfectly represented the year I have had with God. For God's Joy has returned to my life unabated in this third year, and as healing came through the summer months and was sealed with Isaiah 60:20 on August 23rd, peace settled over me like a warm, snuggly blanket that feels like the embrace of God. Of course there is yet another nativity - a bisque music box... "For Unto Us a Child is Born..."
In the kitchen I placed the lone stocking of an ex-boyfriend. We've decided to designate this as the "un-named" beau stocking until one of my daugthers marries. Then we will have a new stocking to add to our collection. It's just a touch of christmas for the kitchen. The Grapevine Stars are two of my favorite newer decorations - I bought them the same year I got the Jesus Tree.
And there are the last two memory stockings in the collection. Mine and Scott's. The red plaid material is from the shirt I wore on our first unofficial date. It hangs on a refurbished garland as I had to disassemble and reassemble the entire thing to get it to look right hanging in its new home on the island in the kitchen. More Snowmen atop that Island. I won them at pokeno and bought them at the grocery store. The sleigh and Snowmen in the center of the bar are Avon and they sing about dashing through the snow with a fun light and song display.

More Snowmen, more Justin... And CANDY! Must have candy at Christmas... though my Waistlines Cries out NO MORE! Have a few as you view the very special Jesus Tree. Ornaments that represent the birth and life of Christ and anything heavenly including a sweet little ornament that says "I love you all dearly, now don't shed a tear... I'm spending my Christmas in heaven this year." A special reminder of my son's safe keeping. All things promised, all things made new! Oh Glory, I cannot get there too soon.

Back to the door we go. Thanks for stopping by. Boo Mama is hosting her tour of homes on Monday, so I will be back with the outside decorations... then. So for now. Have a blessed day and come back to see us again real soon!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A VERY BLESSED NEW YEAR TO ALL FRIENDS NEW AND OLD!

with love, from the Bentham Household.

Tuesday's In Other Words: Little Hands

This week's IOW is being hosted by Nina at "Mama's Little Treasures stop on by and see what others are talking about In Other Words...
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You know... as I weigh the words of this little prayer I am reminded of Hannah and her prayer before the Lord. She wanted no glory of her own - she just wanted the joy of motherhood and the promise of an heir in her life. Samuel received an anointing from birth because of his mother's heart and her heartcry.
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In the book of 1 Samuel, the prophet erects a stone, an Ebenezer stone, and says, "Thus far the Lord has helped us."
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That picture of a stone of remembrance for all the things the Lord has done struck a cord that resonated in my "momma" heart. My son was so troubled during his 17 years. He struggled with father identity issues having been abandoned before he was born by his father. He had bi-polar disorder and a wealth of other social, emotional and mental afflictions. Yet, somehow Justin found Joy in life. He found something to live for each and every day. He wrung life out of every moment he had and often would not settle for anything less.
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One night after Bible study, I returned home and placed a smooth black stone in his no longer tiny hands. I told him that was his "Ebenezer" stone. I shared the story from 1 Samuel with him and then instructed him. "Carry this stone in your pocket and anytime you feel tempted to do the wrong thing or have others encouraging you to do the wrong thing... You just say, "Ebenezer says no."
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A few months later he told me he had lost the stone and I gave him another one. It was a beautiful testimony to the influence a mother has over her child. You know, I often think I did not value him enough, listen to his heart enough or even try to understand him enough. But, I know that indeed - no matter what my shortcomings may have been that I loved him enough. I love him still.
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This past weekend marked the third anniversary of his homegoing and I believe that I received healing this year! The joy returned and caught me almost unaware... Now, I just want to live like Justin did - wringing out every drop of life here on earth while I have it and never settling for anything less than fullness. God is so good.
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Blessings sweet IOW friends. I've missed the meme and am glad to be back. Love Ya'll!
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In Other Words is a writing meme and open to anyone who would like to give it a whirl. Just copy the quote at the top of this post, insert it into one of your own - and get to writing all about it in your very own words. It is fun, it is insightful and it is most of all a way to get those writing juices flowing... Blessings All.

I'm going to be in San Antonio in about 60 hours

Can you believe Siesta Fiesta Week is finally here?

I can't - If you aren't going check out the Siestaville Blog where Patty and Kim have been working feverishly on this weekend's event. There will be a terrific give-a-way for the non-Sauna Antonio Siestas... So tune in, read up and be a Siesta with us.

If you are not a Siesta... well, hop on over to LPM and read Beth Moore's ministry blog and then you will begin to understand what this blog phenom is all about!

Well, my transportation is secure! I will be heading out with my friend (For His Glory) at the wee hour of 5 AM on Friday. We will drive down in her Honda Accord!

A month ago I think I had one roommate... ONE! I had five who dropped out and well, it was looking like a very expensive weekend. When one of my five roomies dropped so did my ride to San Antonio and the rest of this journey has been a real adventure in odyssey with God proving Himself every step of the way.

On Friday, I will meet my first new blog friend T. as we make the ride to Sauna Antonio together. Then I will catch up with L., A., and N. who will be arriving on Thursday probably at the hotel or the Pico de Gallo luncheon that has been set up for the ladies. I did not know any of these women before we connected about this Siesta Event! Which is absolutely exciting to me.

My roomies are coming from the North - A., the South - L., and the East, N.... Then ya' have little ol' me from the west (since I am the Siesta from the western most point on the map in our Siesta Bunch!)

I checked the weather tonight and it is either going to be a gully washer or a sauna in good old San Antone this weekend... So I have taken to calling it Sauna Antonio! I went in December two years ago for a Lifeway Women's Event and sweltered in nearly 70 degree temperatures with about 110% humidity. I ended up at Brookstones buying a small battery-op'd fan and feeling like I was in early menopause. But, God still brought the Word.

OH. MY. I purchased my tickets on 9/21/2007 and the week is finally here.

As for other things in my life... This week has been rough for me the last two years. This last Friday was the anniversary of my son's accident. On that evening I was in the living room of my life group leader's house surrounded by godly women praising and worshipping the Lord. During worship I asked God to show me where He was that night three years ago and He so sweetly showed me His arms holding up mine as I praised Him for delivering Justin through the surgery for internal injuries. He showed me how He ministered to Justin in his hospital bed after the surgery when the nurses encouraged me to leave and get some sleep since we had quite a journey ahead of us. He showed me how He was in the hearts of every person who came to us, took care of us and walked this journey out with us all these months since. He is so good to us. I love Him so.

This year my declaration is the Joy of the Lord is my strength. He is, Oh He is. I have had closure this year and tremendous healing in this area of my life - I'm finally seeking freedom after all these years. TO. HIM. BE. THE. GLORY. who has the POWER to turn curses into BLESSINGS, ashes into BEAUTY, and the despair of the broken into the PRAISE of the REDEEMED! I'm so blessed by His Love, His Grace, His Mercy and His Spirit. May you be blessed by this little praise fest...

If you think of it would you say a little prayer for me on Saturday - It is the third anniversary of my son's homegoing and I miss him even if I am enraptured with my Lord's Joy!

Love Ya'll to Pieces and Bless You even more.

A song and a story...

My son, Justin, lived a lot of years longing for the love of a father to ease his heavy load. His bio-dad abandoned us before he was born and my first husband who raised him from 10 months old had to decide between Justin and his second wife. He chose his second wife. By the time my husband came along, Justin was well into self-destruction and hating any man who looked like a dad except for my dad his lifelong friend. (There are a lot of dads in that paragraph...)

The last summer Justin was with us, I heard this song by Randy Travis and God just gave me a beautiful verse of Scripture and word for my boy. Psalm 68:5 "A father to the fatherless and a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling." I asked my son to stop self-destructing in the name of men who did not love him. I went on to tell him that if he opened himself up to it that he had a Father in heaven who would love him like no man on earth ever could or would. He heard me that night and I played this song for him... Thanks Michelle V for reminding of this precious memory of one of my son's last days!

Praise the Lord, my son is in Heaven today and he knows the love of His heavenly Father in all its fullness. I love him and I miss him, but I am so glad he is at home.

Blessings...

Twenty Years Ago Today...

Twenty years ago today God blessed me with a gift of life and love that would remain with me for 17 years and then leave me for a better promise in Heaven. Justin's 20th Birthday is today, just about 45 minutes ago this very hour. 20 years ago my son came into this world. The following is based on an excerpt from my "Justin Journal" which I have kept off and on since his passing from this life into the next two and one-half years ago! I wrote it a few short weeks after he went home to heaven. I pray you're a blessed by what you read... I was blessed by God to have him so long and to know his destiny and his life are now in Heaven with our Lord. There is Joy in my heart this beautiful March day as the sun shines warm and I remember the day God gave me a little justice in a tiny bundle of warm pink flesh.
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The picture to the above was taken when Jay was 3 weeks old. He was the only baby in the hospital where we lived until just hours before we went home. However, when the pictures of my baby arrived a couple of weeks later in the mail, we discovered that it was not my baby in the envelope! I looked at the picture and said, well he has that sleeper, but that is not Justin. Finally, after sending us a second set of pictures of someone else's baby... The hospital finally brought us in to have new pictures made. So his pictures are beautiful and full of personality --- though I would have loved them just the same if his face was all pinched and pinked from the trauma of birth! He's my baby!

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September 10, 2005

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Before there was anyone else, there was Justin. He came into this world a pink, squawling mess. He was a big boy weighing in at a little more or less than 8.5 lbs. I cannot recall exactly just now, but what I do remember is knowing he was a boy from the beginning. I yearned for a girl, I planned for a boy. I was a young high school senior and a sonogram never revealed the true gender of my baby... I just knew.

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His Name: Justin - (after the boot company) it means justice. Brant - means branded. Newsom - my father's name. I wanted him to be a cowboy, to ride bulls and love the things of the west. That was my plan.

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He was born on a warm, crisp Friday afternoon: March 11, 1988. His birthday always fell in or around Spring Break. That year it was the Friday before Spring Break. He had been due on February 23rd, but his stubborn streak was already evident making everyone wait two more full weeks before hurrying into life after a little prompting from Dr. Jack Graham. He was born at 1:42 PM at Hood General Hospital in Granbury, Texas. Just miles from the family home. He was the firstborn son to Michelle R. Newsom. A 17 year old Senior at Granbury High School. She was not married at the time, there was no father to welcome this son.

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The labor was induced, and after 6 and 1/2 hours she pushed hard three times and delivered a beautiful, healthy baby boy. Grandma was by his mother's side, the doting mother and the perfect labor coach. Grandpa and "Auntie" Michelle (Mommy's best friend) were standing just outside the delivery room door. They each would push the door open and a nurse standing on the other side would press it closed again.

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"IT'S A BABY!" Mommy was heard to exclaim as she caught sight of her newborn son half exposed fresh from her womb. Grandma was with her the whole way, she was so strong, so good. She taught Mommy how to be a mom in those early days after her grandson was born. When Dr. Graham handed Grandma the scissors and held out the umbilical cord, Grandma only hesitated a moment before cutting the cord that would make that little one independent of his mommy for life.

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His first gulp of air sounded like music as each melodic note rang out. Tears were streaming down my face as the warm, wriggling baby boy, covered in fresh afterbirth, was gently laid upon his momma's breast.

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Love at first sight. My son. My heart never knew such love, my life has never been the same. He hurried in at the last minute, when the nurses' were telling me that I had hours left before I would deliver. I had told the nurse I thought he was coming, but she said that she knew I would be in labor at least six more hours before he would come. The she checked my cervix and cleared the room. Moments later I would catch the first glimpse of my son.

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I loved you, Justin before we ever met. You have left a huge hole in my world and I miss you so much.

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PSALMS 139

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1 A David psalm

God, investigate my life;

get all the facts firsthand.

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2 I'm an open book to you;

even from a distance,

you know what I'm thinking.

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3 You know when I leave

and when I get back;

I'm never out of your sight.

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4 You know everything I'm going to say

before I start the first sentence.

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5 I look behind me and you're there,

then up ahead and you're there, too—

your reassuring presence, coming and going.

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6 This is too much, too wonderful—

I can't take it all in!

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7 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?

to be out of your sight?

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8 If I climb to the sky, you're there!

If I go underground, you're there!

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9 If I flew on morning's wings to the far western horizon,

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10 You'd find me in a minute—

you're already there waiting!

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11 Then I said to myself,

"Oh, he even sees me in the dark!

At night I'm immersed in the light!"

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12 It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;

night and day, darkness and light,

they're all the same to you.

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13 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside,

then out; you formed me in my mother's womb.

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14 I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!

Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

I worship in adoration—what a creation!

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15 You know me inside and out,

you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

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16 Like an open book,

you watched me grow from conception to birth;

all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

before I'd even lived one day.

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17 Your thoughts—

how rare, how beautiful!

God, I'll never comprehend them!

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18 I couldn't even begin to count them—

any more than I could count the sand of the sea.

Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!

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19 And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!

And you murderers—out of here!—

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20 all the men and women who belittle you,

God, infatuated with cheap god-imitations.

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21 See how I hate those who hate you,

God, see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;

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22 I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.

Your enemies are my enemies!

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23 Investigate my life,

O God, find out everything about me;

Cross-examine and test me,

get a clear picture of what I'm about;

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24 See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—

then guide me on the road to eternal life.
(The Message)

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September 23, 2005

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I miss you so much, but I love you more. It's been a month since they took you away. The angels came, they carried you to Jesus - you were all broken and bruised. You had such wounds. They were so much older and deeper than the wounds that slowly drained the last few days of your life away.

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When you got to Heaven, baby, waht did you see? Was it too much for your spiritual eyes? And Jesus, baby, what is He like? Did He grab you up in His strong yet gentle arms and hold you tight? Did He tell you how He's been waiting for you... Though He already knew you... He anticipated that day. Did you finally know you'd made it Home?

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What does it feel like to be in His presence? In the presence of our Father and His overwhelming, beautiful and unconditional love. Did you realize that no matter what you had done, Jesus took that away? He promised He would and Oh Glory! I know that He did!

Baby boy, I love you still and my heart aches so. I miss you terribly. I long to hear you laugh and see your smile. I put yellow roses and orange daisies on your grave today. Brittany and Taylor miss you, too. Scott's been really strong, but he keeps busy. I know he misses you. He worked half a day on Tuesday after your accident and never left my side until that next Monday. He only went back to work for a couple of hours when Grandpa called to say you had begun to slip away. He came straight away and remained with me late into that night. He called everyone and so many people came. They were all there Justin. They loved you. The youth, teachers from school, the family... They were all at the hospital and your funeral. So many people cared for you so much. They have really been there for us in every way.

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I went back to work last week. Today has been really hard. Times seems to be racing by. Minutes slip into hours, hours into days, days into weeks and now a month or more has passed since I last had a hug, a kiss, a smile or a kind word exchanged.

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If I could've known - if I could have only taken the time with you that day. Thank you for those final sweet words. That have gotten me through so much.

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I guess I finally realized how grown up you had become when I saw you in that bed. You were so tall. A good 6 foot and solid with lots of muscles.

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I Miss You So Much.

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The girls do to, Grandma can't talk about you without crying and Grandpa can't talk at all. We miss you, Boy!!

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See You At The Pole was Wednesday - there were so many kids at church - lots of new faces. You would have been so proud. Mike checks in on the girls and the Creecy's have really been there for us. Maybe you will meet Cody in heaven, and that Thames boy who is buried beside you. Sweetie, I long to be with you again, but I can wait. God has a plan for it and that is all I know right now. I love you...

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"Hush-a-bye, don't you cry. Go to sleepy little baby, When you wake, you will have all the pretty little horses. Blacks and Bays, Dapples and Grays, a coach and six-a-little horses. Hush-a-bye don't you cry, God to sleepy little baby."

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Sleep well, I'll be home soon. I love you, too. I'm fighting for you.

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Revelation 22

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1 Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb

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2 down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations.

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3 No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him.

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4 They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads.

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5 There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.

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6 The angel said to me, "These words are trustworthy and true. The Lord, the God of the spirits of the prophets, sent his angel to show his servants the things that must soon take place."
Jesus Is Coming
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7 "Behold, I am coming soon! Blessed is he who keeps the words of the prophecy in this book."

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8 I, John, am the one who heard and saw these things. And when I had heard and seen them, I fell down to worship at the feet of the angel who had been showing them to me.

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9 But he said to me, "Do not do it! I am a fellow servant with you and with your brothers the prophets and of all who keep the words of this book. Worship God!"

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10 Then he told me, "Do not seal up the words of the prophecy of this book, because the time is near.

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11 Let him who does wrong continue to do wrong; let him who is vile continue to be vile; let him who does right continue to do right; and let him who is holy continue to be holy."

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12 "Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done.

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13 I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.

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14 "Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the tree of life and may go through the gates into the city.

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15 Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.

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16 "I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star."

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17 The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!" And let him who hears say, "Come!" Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life.

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18 I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: If anyone adds anything to them, God will add to him the plagues described in this book.

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19 And if anyone takes words away from this book of prophecy, God will take away from him his share in the tree of life and in the holy city, which are described in this book.

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20 He who testifies to these things says, "Yes, I am coming soon." Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.

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21 The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's people. Amen.
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These two journal entries were written in the raw and early stages of my grief. Today I stand to testify that the Joy of the Lord is my strength and though I will always miss Justin until we meet again in Heaven, I know that the Lord's work will carry me until He calls me Home. And for me that is enough to say, "Praise the Lord, O My Soul, and all that is within me." (Psalm 103:1 - my paraphrase!)

Love to ya'll.

Tuesday’s “In Other Words”: Momma Prayed

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Heather at Titus 2 Woman is hosting this week. Be sure to stop by her blog and check out the other posts.
For More Information about the “In Other Words” Meme click the link at the top of this post and get in on the fun!

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“Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are gonna’ get.” - Forest Gump
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“When Momma prayed…” I love this song. You know I think back to my own childhood and how my family rarely darkened the doors of church, but I knew my parents loved the Lord and can remember my parents telling me just a few years ago how they would lay awake at night and pray for me and the choices I was making in my life. I am the result of answered prayers because my momma and my daddy prayed.
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In my own life, I did not know anything about the power of prayer until I landed in the middle of my own parenting crisis. I am the mother to two daughters and one son, and the step-mother of one son and one daughter each. My son, Justin, went home to be with the Lord on August 23, 2005 at the age of 17 years after a hard fought battle for his life following a car accident eight days earlier. Not only was he fighting for his life with the help of doctors and encouragement of family, but spiritual warfare was taking place as well as I and my family and friends from church hit the battle lines as prayer warriors for his young life.
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In the year before Justin’s accident we had come face to face with the reality that more than one of our hopes and dreams for his life might very well have been shattered by reckless choices and a mental illness that was growing in depth and reach in his life by the day. On October 4, 2004, my husband was readying himself for work and I was groggily wandering toward the bathroom when our home phone rang. My husband, much more alert than I, picked the phone up and checked the caller ID. I was deeply concerned as he read, “Wise County Sheriff?” He started to hand the phone to me, but I shook my head and muttered, “You answer it.” I was sure they were contacting us concerning my parents, after all my children were in bed upstairs. There was no way anyone was calling us about them.

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Scott took the call and I could hear the muffled mail voice on the line ask to speak to me. As I took the phone and listened to the dispatch officer’s voice my mind scrambled for clarity. Justin was out in an alley in town at 5:30 AM and I didn’t know about it? How could that have happened? The officer gave me the address and instructions and I hung up shaking and contemplating what to do next. I didn’t even know what to think or do… I just felt like quitting, or killing him – I really couldn’t decide.
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I turned to my husband and said, “We have to go get Justin, and you have to go with me because I might kill him and murder is illegal. The police are there.”
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We walked quietly to the car, my head still spinning from the relief of knowing he was okay and the anger of realizing he was out breaking the law and having to be picked up from the police. You see, I had been leading women’s ministry at my church for about a year and I was working hard to keep my family on the right track, but no matter how hard we tried – Justin always seemed to slip right off into the ditch. We did everything, counseling with the pastor, seeking mentors in the godly men of our church, sending him to every youth activity we could think of and praying over him, teaching him and guiding him. In that car that morning as the cold mist loomed ominous in the air I told God, “I don’t want to do this anymore. I mean, God what am I supposed to do – I don’t want to be his mother anymore.”
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God began to work on my heart all the way up that dark and lonely street until we saw the lights glowing in the alley behind his friend’s house. I saw my son standing in the dim glow from the headlights of the patrol car and tears wet my eyes. He was wearing a white, grunged up, t-shirt with three large wooden crosses emblazoned across the front, the word SALVATION written in large red letters underneath. As I shook my head in disbelief God gave me a picture of that child as an infant. The little baby boy I brought home from the hospital and then in a flash I saw my young son in a suit as a man teaching young people about Jesus. I couldn’t even think straight, I can still hear the words running through my mind, “You have to be his mother now because I gave him to you then and you have to help him become who I created him to be.”
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I released the door handle on the car and slid from my warm seat to the ground. I walked numbly up to the officer, Officer St. Claire of the Rhome Police Department, and never let my eyes leave my son once. I nodded as the officer spoke, but I don’t recall a word he said. All I could do was open my heart with love to my son and what he must have been going through. His large frame standing with his hands shoved in his oversized jean pockets, his baseball cap cocked to one side and his head hung low. I was frightened for and compassionate toward him all at the same time. We later learned that he was struggling to keep his mind under control, unable to sleep at night he was dabbling in alcohol and drugs and he cried that night as he came clean about the drugs he had tried and the problems he had been secretly working to handle on his own.

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We took him to the doctor that week and had him drug tested, the test came back negative to his credit. We also learned he was dealing with Bi-Polar disorder and he was placed on medication. He returned to school and things got better for a while. The entire church seemed to be praying for my child. When I confessed I didn't know what to pray anymore, my pastor’s wife gave me a Scripture, Philippians 1:6 and I began to pray it along with about ten other Scriptures over his life. I hoped that this would be the season of change in his life – and it was a season of change, none of it for the better.
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By early 2005, my son was in and out of trouble again at school. He was back running with the same crowd he had been with before though we tried to limit his exposure. We found it hard to keep up with his every move. One morning I sat in a meeting with his principal and the special education instructors as we determined he was going to be placed in a disciplinary alternative education setting. I looked at him with pure love as I wondered what was going on in his mind. His clothes were wrinkled, unwashed for days and the faint odor of sweat and urine mingled with his cologne seemed to be filling the room and my senses. He refused to bathe and the evidence was laced underneath his fingernails and in his grimy hair. At this point he sat beside me dejected trying to understand what was being proposed. He read through the paperwork, as a young adult he wanted to decide what was best for himself. He didn’t understand it and asked me questions, which I answered. He finally nodded his head and agreed. Signing his scrawl across the line marked “student.” I signed below his name and the decision was made. He was 17 years old and spending the remainder of his sophomore year of school in DAEP.
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The next few months would hold more bumps, potholes, pit falls and even some devastating explosions. By the spring the police were at our house regularly each week and my son was doing one reckless thing after another. In a fit of rage one afternoon he kicked a large dent into my car and hacked up our rose bush with a golf club. That was the last straw for my husband, he called 911 and we filed a complaint against him for criminal mischief. I watched with silent tears as they took my son away in handcuffs.

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I can remember taking his calls, and him begging me to bail him out… but I couldn’t. I prayed with him in those hours on the phone, I told him how much I loved him and how I hoped he was really seeking God from where he was in jail. When I wasn't speaking to him by phone, I wrote him letters. Heartfelt pleas for him to seek God to the uttermost. A cry from my mother's heart to God for redemption of my son.

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Justin had said he was reading a Bible the chaplain had given him and a Tim LaHaye book from the jail library. He pled out the charges 7 days after we had him arrested and we picked him up. He seemed different, he knew Proverbs 3:5-6 by memory and turned right to it as he told me God gave it to him in jail. This verse would come to be life to me as I lived out the days after his death trying to make sense of everything. All the while, I was asking God why He had not answered my prayers. Why everything in my son’s life seemed to be moving constantly from bad to worse… I told God I didn’t understand… and I still prayed Philippians 1:6: "Please God, complete the good work you began in him at salvation."
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By the end of May I was no longer asking God for answers, I was thanking Him for them by faith. I had attended a funeral for a young woman I had known as a teenager. She had been in a car accident. I remember leaving that funeral feeling I was going to lose my son and that God was preparing me for that journey. The one person I confided in told me we were going to refuse to accept that. Yet, the sense of loss settled all over me and never quite left the quiet recesses of my heart. As spring turned into summer my son began to own the consequences of his choices. Things settled down, he had another encounter with God and by August he seemed to realize he needed to get his GED, something we had encouraged him to do, and a good job to help him work through his probation and get on with his life.
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On August 15, 2005, we were waiting to hear about his job interview and drug test from the weekend and he was scheduled to begin GED classes that evening. But, none of that would come to pass – Justin instead was in a hospital by 2:00 PM and lay in that bed in a coma for 8 days before going home to be with the Lord.

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I at first prayed for a hallelujah miracle recovery that would set everyone to praising and whooping glory to the Lord. But by the end of the week I begged God to have mercy on my son, to make the decision clear and give me peace to accept whatever happened.

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I remember clearly one day a couple of months after the funeral when I had settled with the insurance companies. I was on my way to the bank to deposit the rather large check. Tears streamed down my face as I asked God how this could be the answer to my prayer requests for God to bless us. I can still hear those words rolling through my mind and my heart as I drove along that day, “I completed the good work I began in him the day he came home to heaven.”
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I don’t know if he says it or not, but I know what a difference it made to my son and his life when his momma prayed.

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END NOTE: It has been a while since I really recounted this story in writing. Last night I went to a wonderful class at church about learning to hear God's voice by meditating on the Word. I was telling a friend about my desire to give everyone in my life a "Birthday Blessing" this year. More than just the Birthday Verse you can pull off the internet, but a real blessing. I go through the entire Bible looking at every verse containing the month and day of a particular birthday until I settle on one, then I make a certificate with their first name and its meaning on the top, followed by their verse and a prayer or note of blessing and encouragement with the date. It is only a few weeks until Justin's Birthday, and each year our observation of this day has been so different - still we honor the day in some magnificent way!

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Last night, I could not sleep as I lay awake contemplating the day when suddenly a realization flashed before my eyes. Justin's life verse - the one he received in jail - the reference is Proverbs 3:5-6 (If you take the reference chapter 3 for the month of March, and add together the verse references 5+6= 11) it is the month and day of his birth - March 11, 1988. I could hardly believe it as the comfort in the moment washed over me anew. I will leave you with this verse: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will make your paths straight." (Not sure if this is a firm translation or my own paraphrase - I type it from memory these days.)

Because he was my son...

Justin Brant Newsom - March 11, 1988 - August 23, 2005

At 17 years of age he passed away from injuries he received during an automobile accident on August 15, 2005. He was the right rear seat passenger. He did not have a seatbelt on and was ejected from the car approximately 50 ft. before landing on his head. His head injury was so severe, he never awakened again after the accident that day. The angels carried him to Jesus side quietly, leaving no doubt that the Lord had called him home.

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I have learned so many things from the life and death of my oldest child, Justin. He was funny, bright, frighteningly mischievious and naive in ways that are difficult to describe. His life was riddled with broken promises, broken hearts and broken dreams. He was born my son, mine alone. His father abandoned us months before his birth and so with the help of his grandparents I welcomed my firstborn child into this world a squawling mess of pink warm flesh, a heart full of love and a head that dreamed he would grow up to love the earth, the cowboy culture of my youth and the rodeo.

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My nearly 6 ft, beautiful son loved skateboards, everything in music from Reliant K to fifty cent... and he did not know the first thing about being a cowboy. He did love the earth and hunting and fishing. He lived every moment to its absolute fullest. He wrung it out and shook it before squeezing it one last time to ensure he had enjoyed every last drop of whatever experience he had landed in for the moment. He was difficult to understand and often harder to love. But he somehow found his way into the hearts of everyone he met. He was bigger than life, a literal bull in the china closet. He would be generous to a fault, and merciless when angry. His bi-polar disorder kept us on a pendulum swing that often found us shell shocked or laughing silly, but there was very little in between. His last few weeks were spent working off his probation fees with his grandfather, discovering that he was ready to live the life he had chosen and accept the consequences for his angry actions. He was a wadded up mess with mixed up feelings, needing his father's love, but hating him just the same. One of his few journal entries shows the great battle for his testimony, "I know I need to be a better man." The words "Jesus is Lord" written in a cross. He was a walking oxymoron - a lover of Christ, dragging his friends to church each week, and walking with them in the world the other days in between.

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He claimed Proverbs 3:5-6 from the cell of the Wise County Jail during the 7 days he spent there after damaging our car in a fit of rage. I thought then that putting him in jail would be the most difficult decision I ever made, but I would later learned that I would have to face tougher realities in the final months of his life. His life verse speaking to me in so many ways. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding. Acknowledge him in all your ways and he will make your paths straight." I tell his story because he was my son.
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